#Fear #dark #children

“Boo-hoo-hoo… Someone’s in my room! Someone’s behind me! I don’t want to sleep alone! I’m not going to the bathroom without you! It’s too dark in my room!” and the list can go on. Do they look familiar?
Yes, the fear of the dark is a reality and a NORMALITY at the same time.

But why does the fear of the dark appear?

Between 3 and 5 years old, children begin to develop their imagination, it becoming very active. The child begins to invent stories, create imaginary friends or give life to objects. So it is not a surprise that he cannot distinguish the imaginary from reality and that a shadow on the wall can take on a form or a meaning for our little one.

After 5 years, up to 8 years, the child begins to adapt to the world, to understand it, but more conscious fears also appear: the fear of being alone, the fear of being in danger, the fear of death or the fear that he may lose his parents (I come back and say that all are normal). So, in the dark, these fears become more pressing for the child, activating insecurity and vulnerability.

For him, darkness means… unknown. Children rely a lot on sight, thus feeling in control, crying becoming just an alarm signal, a request for help, not necessarily a behavior to be pampered.

What else can be hidden behind the fear of the dark?

The child’s need to be safe, to know that the parents are next to him and calmly support him.
The changes in his environment – kindergarten, the arrival of a brother, the absence of a parent, etc. They can lead to increased fear of the dark.
Emotional tensions – even if they don’t know how to express in words what they feel from an emotional point of view, the fear of the dark can be a manifestation. My daughter, for example, never slept at kindergarten because the room was very dark when it was bedtime and noises could be heard from the children sleeping next to her.
The need for emotional connection – the child feels that he has not “charged his batteries” enough after the current day.
Fear of separation – when he goes to grades or school.
Taking over anxiety from the environment. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, children feel when those around them are nervous, anxious or upset. It doesn’t even matter that we are not necessarily angry with them.

How can the fear of the dark manifest itself?

Refusing to go to bed or delaying the moment. You know the moment when everyone is in bed and the little one wants to go to the bathroom? He comes back and in 10 seconds he wants to drink water, then he wants his favorite toy, he wants another story and… it’s midnight without news?!
The request that the light be always on or at least a lamp.
Crying or fussing when he knows it’s time to sleep.
Frequent awakenings during the night or nightmares.
The need to sleep with one or both parents or the need to always have a “favorite” toy at bedtime. Even on vacations, we leave with the “extra toy for sleep”.

What can I do as a parent to overcome this fear?

Acceptance is the first and most essential step. I accept the fact that he is allowed to be afraid and fear is a perfectly normal emotion in his case.
Empathizing with the child – “I understand that you are afraid of the dark, I am here with you if you need anything!”
Choosing a night light together with the child. Over time we had a lamp, a socket bulb with colored lights that the children could set according to their preference, a heart/star shaped socket bulb, chandeliers with figurines…
Reading a soothing story before sleep. There are books dedicated to this.
And the most important maybe (for us it was) – talk to the child about the fear of the dark during the day when he can be more detached. And whatever he says, take it as the truth.

Helpful questions:
If fear were a character, what character do you think it would be? Does it have a color, a shape, does it move, can it be loved? Does he need something, can we help him? Does it have a smell? Can we draw it? What colors does it have?

Some children need daily routines, safety items or bedtime rituals. With us, the children knew that after the bath there was a story and then sleep.
Now, being adults, it’s also funny if I tell them to take a shower before 7 because they hear: “Well, what, are we already going to bed?”

And if we talked about what needs to be done, let’s talk too about what we should NOT do:
– Never ridicule a child’s fear no matter how silly it may seem to you, an adult.
– Do not force the child to sleep alone.
– Don’t use the fear of the dark as control over him (I’ve heard parents say – if you’re not good, you’ll sleep alone tonight!)

As a conclusion… the fear of the dark is only a temporary stage that needs understanding, empathy and consistency. The child needs understanding, acceptance, connection and the understanding that darkness can sometimes be a quiet space for dreaming.

The child needs emotional and physical support. Vitamin D-drops and Lion Kids they were and still are our allies.

And don’t forget, dear father, a hug sometimes makes more than 1,000 explanations.

This article was written by…

Maria Frunza

personal development trainer and advisor for adults and children

I have always liked to know what is behind things. Initially it was about watches and toys. Later I understood that we were making decisions in accordance with something that comes from inside us. Emotions were the ones that opened the way to my personal development and to the development of my self-confidence and that of the little ones I work with.
I always say not to let our emotions control us, but to learn to control them ourselves!

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